


Only Love Can Hurt Like This

by sliverofanonymity



Category: Six of Crows Series - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Angst, F/M, First Kiss, hand holding
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-06
Updated: 2018-07-21
Packaged: 2019-06-10 08:22:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15287580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sliverofanonymity/pseuds/sliverofanonymity
Summary: There's some intense hand holding.Kaz got some feels.Alternative Title:Even the most terrible person in Ketterdam can catch a case of the Feels TM





	Only Love Can Hurt Like This

**Author's Note:**

> I intended this to be short, and fluff. Obviously future me can decide if I go in this direction.
> 
> (Also, please listen to Paloma Faith's song of the same title. Because I am imagining this running through Kaz's head during the hand holding.)

Inej was due to set sail in the morning, and Kaz was feeling anxious. She had asked him to come with her at  _least_ fifteen times already, and he had offered her silence, excuses, and now he was sure she was moving into the 'acceptance' stage. It was mid afternoon, and she was perched in her usual spot, crows cawing and scratching at the roof for crumbs and scraps that she had scattered earlier. He didn't need to turn around, to know her eyes were on his back again.  _What is she expecting?_ He sighed, yet continued with the plans for the upgrades he was going to make to the Slat. Business was beautiful, but he had to watch his back, and his reputation. 

 

"What business Inej?" He asked, possibly the twentieth time today as she made her way to his desk, and sat down next to his stack of papers, careful and quiet as always. The silence continued, but it was full of something he didn't recognise, and it was making him anxious. 

 

"Kaz..." 

 

"For the last time Inej-" He caught himself, her eyes were glistening with fresh tears. Her hand was palm up on the table beside his, a silent offering. He didn't put his pen down, he had to finish this, he had to...

 

That anxiety inducing silence stretched on, and Kaz was reminded of how he felt when his lips had brushed against her warm neck. He gripped his bad leg with the hand that wasn't furiously filling out the exact cost of the materials of the pipes needed to get hot running water. His hand began to tremble as Inej ran her tongue over her lips, and moved her hand closer to his. He wasn't wearing his gloves, and the hand she was going for was currently giving his thigh a death grip. 

 

He had one more sum to fill out before he could take it to the builders, one more sum, and he could stop, he could give her the real answer. 

 

"Which would be worse...?" Inej asked suddenly, her hand at the edge of his desk. "Coming with me, or taking off your armor for one night?"

 

The pen dropped. He'd been getting rid of the excess ink in the nib before signing, and he'd trembled so badly he'd dropped it.  _Now_ he understood why it had been so unfamiliar a silence, and _why_ it was making him so anxious. He took a shuddering breath, the pen was starting to leak ink over one corner of another document. He attempted to put it back in the well, and control the trembling, but the pen had slipped. Inej took hold of his hand and together, their hands placed it beside the well. Her calluses brushed against his hypersensitive wrists, and he gripped her hand as tightly as he was gripping his thigh. He couldn't look at her, but he loosened his grip, and brought their palms together. The hand gripping his thigh suddenly relaxed as Inej smiled at him.

 

He was going to break. Or at least he thought he was going to, but the water didn't come. His hand left his thigh, and settled next to hers, his fingers barely brushing her other hand. She entwined their fingers almost immediately, Kaz thought he was imagining the flush spreading across her cheeks, until he could feel his own cheeks burning. He was still working on his reply, and the more he thought about it, the more the implications of  _one night_ started to get to him. 

 

"Is this too much?" Inej asked quietly. Kaz shook his head. It wasn't _enough_ , but he wasn't about to admit that. Inej shuffled closer, so that her thigh was touching his, she met his eyes. "Is this...?" 

 

He shook his head again. They sat in silence again before Inej shuffled again, her thigh brushed against his, and he let out a sigh of frustration. 

 

"Too much?" Inej asked, moving her thigh away. Kaz shook his head. His head was swimming, they'd been holding hands since at least three bells, and it had just rung four bells. His heart was still hammering, but the water wasn't rising. Maybe he could do this. 

 

"Inej..." His voice came out a harsh and broken whisper, he didn't mistake the flush on her cheeks this time. He tugged on her hands, pulling her towards him. She shuffled across the desk until her legs were between his. The anxiety rose for a moment, but the water didn't. He gripped her hands, and she gripped back. "Is this...?"

 

"Go on." She smiled, her leg brushing against his. Kaz let out a little whimper, anxiety making him grip her hands tighter as her knee dug slightly into the bulge in his tailored pants. He knew she had a trigger mechanism in the knee of her pants, it would bring out hundreds of tiny needles. She nudged his crotch again, and he gasped as he could see how hard he was straining against the pinstriped woven fabric. So he  _could_ do this. 

 

Feeling suddenly, and possibly stupidly, confident, he pulled Inej slowly onto his lap. He watched as Inej began to tremble, then squeeze her eyes shut as she scrambled to sit back on the desk, but Kaz held her hand, and squeezed.

 

"Don't disappear..." He croaked, coaxing her gently, he reached out to touch her face, to get her to open her eyes.

 

Then the water came rushing up.

 

"Kaz..." Inej was trembling, and he could see tears welling again in her eyes. For a moment, her skin was ashen and grey. He dry heaved. She made to move away, but he finally touched her cheek. Her eyes fluttered open, and her face flushed with warmth.

 

_She's alive. Alive. Alive._

 

His hand burned on her cheek, and his other hand rested uncomfortably without hers beside her thigh.

 

"I'm sorry..." he began, as Inej leaned forward, her legs pressed close together to avoid touching his. She looked defeated. He took her hand in his lonely one. Gently, slowly, he brought his other hand down her face, his thumb brushed her lips, and he ached. The water had receded, but he didn't know about her demons. Inej leaned into his touch and sighed.

 

"My demons came to call before yours, I'd be impressed if it weren't so upsetting." Inej brought her other hand up to join his on her cheek, and moved her face to press a gentle kiss into his palm. He gasped at the tender action, and almost thought about pulling her down onto his lap again. He bit his lip, he really wanted to kiss her. She followed the curve of his lips with her eyes, and let his thumb part hers. He traced her full lips with his thumb, maybe he could do this.

 

"Inej..." he breathed. "... may I kiss you?" 

 

"We can try..." she teased, looking away embarrassed. Kaz tugged gently on their joined hands by her side. But Inej shook her head. "You stand up."

 

Getting up was always a challenge, his bad leg protested as he straightened it out, and put his weight mostly on his good leg, he leaned on the desk for support as he pushed the chair back with his movement. Suddenly, they were in  _that_ position again, and their faces were at the same height. He swallowed thickly, remembering to take it slowly, or he could end up retching in her mouth, and if that was how his first kiss was supposed to go, it would be his only one.

 

"Saints..." he gasped as Inej took his face in her hand, and pulled him closer. He was a little off balance, and had to lean on the desk again, so he couldn't take her hand, but he reached to touch her face again, and for what seemed like forever, they both held each others gaze. Touching the others lips. 

 

"You don't have to close your eyes." Inej said as she traced his top lip again with her callused thumb. She pressed the digit deeper into his supple flesh as she pulled closer. He could hear his blood rushing through his veins as she drew closer. Her eyes stayed open, and looked into his. He brought his head down slowly, and drew their foreheads together. Their breathing intermingled, and that stinging anxiety was back, he was going to be bad at this. Inej looked away from his eyes suddenly, and he felt scared. He nudged his nose against hers, and drew his thumb away from her lips, and tucked some hair behind her ear that he had noticed straying. Inej's focus came back, but to his lips as her thumb slipped into his mouth. Her downcast eyes fanning her lashes out, he stroked her eyelid, and she looked back into his eyes.

 

"I really want to kiss you..." he rasped, tilting his head, so he could bring his jaw closer to hers. 

 

"Then kiss me, Kaz." The words making her lips almost brush against his as she tilted her head to close the distance. His lips barely brushed against hers, and he could feel it tingling through his face, Inej moved her hand to grip the back of his head, to pull him closer, but he strained, and pulled back a little. He brought their foreheads together again. His eyes closing as he took as breath, then pressed his lips to hers.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Please excuse me, I am very tired, and I had some wacky blood sugars today. 
> 
> (also I think I forgot to have my anxiety meds? whoopsie!)


End file.
